by Leila Raffin
I don’t know really how to begin. My native language is French
and I am not used to write in English but I think it is the best way to
make my story accessible for everyone. So I will ask you to be
indulgent with me and if you find mistakes (everybody makes mistakes),
please send me an email to notify me. My e-mail address is
raffin@writeme.com and my website URL is
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Delphi/7687
Where I come from
I was born in France in the suburb of Paris, we can say in a little
“bourgeois” environment. I have been educated by my grand-parents.
Thanks to God, they gave me everything I needed to succeed in my life.
Until 17, I had a “normal” (what means normal ?) life, shared between my
studies and horse riding. Horse riding was for me a real passion, I
think I have learned more about life near horses than near humans (sad
to say that). My grand-parents gave me a good education and thought that
the best for me was to send me study in a religious school, in catholic
high school. They were not very religious, I mean they did not go every
sunday to church, but it was more by tradition. My mother and my uncle
have been to catholic school, so I “have” to go there … They did not
impose it to me, I agreed. It was not difficult, I was born catholic, I
was in a catholic culture. As many people, I did not ask myself many
questions about my religion. Most of people adopt religion from their
culture, they are christian because they are born in a christian
culture, they are jewish because they are born in a jewish culture, they
are muslim because they are born in a muslim culture. Few people ask
themself why they are christian, jewish or muslim. If they do, they
rarely search very far and return quickly back to their culture/religion
because it is easier to keep traditions and to be like people around
you than to accept changes and this in every fields (religion, science,
education, …).
At 18, my grand-father died, his was near 68 years old. This occurs
suddenly and it was very difficult to accept his death because I
considered him like my father, he brought me up. My grand-father
believed in God but he never went to church. The pret of the church of
the neighbourhood did not know him at all. During the ceremony for his
death at church, I could not accept all the hypocrisy around it, it was
too much for me. Then I began to reject my religion, and with time all
form of religion and I doubted about the existence of God. I respected
the religion of the others but I did not want one for me. I thought at
this time that if people needed a religion, it was by lack of confiance
in themselves. I thought that believe in itself was sufficient and there
was no need of religion. I thought that religion was a way to avoid
fear that the death generates. I thought many things I can find now in
lost people, without religion. There were some questions for me without
answer: Why are we on earth ? Is there something after death ? What are
we in the universe ? We are so small and insignifiant in the cosmos …
Who, without religion, has an answer to these questions ?
What makes me search
At the age of 22, I choose to go to Canada for my studies. I went to
Montreal for one year where I met many people. It was the first time, I
went to live in a foreign country. This made me realize how Frenchs are
nationalist, proud of their country and their culture and how they are
intolerant. I think that Frenchs should see what exists in other
countries, be more tolerant and more open-mind and appreciate what they
have in their country instead of critize everything. It was a remark not
really related to religion but I have many reasons for that
disgression. As I am french, people think I am not open-mind, that I
have a lot of “prejuges” and especially about Islam (as most of
non-muslims). I always try to keep away the “prejuges” I can have.
Everyone has “prejuges”, even if he does not want to, they can come from
our culture or from medias. It is difficult to keep them away but we
have to do it to stay objective in our jugements. I think there is not
enough people who do that (keep its “prejuges” away). I would like to
develop that point but it is not the subject here, although it is a very
interesting subject. If I had not adopted this way of thinking, I would
never try to know Islam because Islam has a very bad image in
non-muslim countries such as France. Medias and specially television
give that image by showing massacres in Algeria, fights in Afghanistan
or by relating attentats revendicated by islamists. When non-muslim
people read or hear the word “islamist”, they think “islamist-islam, it
is the same”, they associate violence to Islam. We can reproch them
their lack of curiosity and their lack of will to know the truth but
nothing more. We have to reproch that image to medias and to people who
revandicate Islam by using the violence, by killing women, children and
innocent people. This is not acceptable.
What or who makes me interest in Islam? Unfortunately not the Muslims
I met before my conversion but rather those that gives a bad image of
Islam, I mean the media. In Montreal, most of my friends were arabs (or
had Arabic origins) and were christian. Together, we used to go to
cinema, restaurant and sometimes dancing. All things far from God and
far from the true Islam. Among my friends, there was a tunisian, not
more religious than the others but he was Muslim. Although his behavior
was not the best one in regards to Islam, he talked me about Islam, God
and the Prophet – Peace be upon Him -. Even if he was not a “good
Muslim”, he was convinced in the existence of God and His Prophet. He
told me about Islam, not much but enough to make me search by myself. As
I came from a non-Muslim country and I never had the opportunity to
meet a lot of Muslims, the only image I had from Islam was from the
media (TV, radio, and press). When I began to search about Islam, I
first searched for the status of women in Islam, because it was the
point the most criticized by the media and also because I felt more
concerned by this question as a woman. I wanted to know if the image
given by medias on women in Islam was true or not. This image is a
negative one, where women are submit to men, with no rights, forced to
put a veil on their head, and so on. Instead of asking to someone and
taking the risk of being influence by a person, I prefered to read and
make my own opinion. It is true that by reading, I can be influenced by
the author but not in the same way as a discussion can do. By reading,
you have all the time needed to think, you can take your time. A great
part of my sources was found on Internet and thanks to God, it was
always true sources. At the beginning, I just want to know about the
status of women in Islam. So I began to read all I can find about women
in Islam. When I learnt that the most part of people who enter in Islam
were women, I wanted to know why, why people enter in Islam, why so many
women in spite of the negative image given by medias. Then, instead of
searching only for the status of women in Islam, I searched for the
status of women in the three monotheist religions (Judaism, Christianity
and Islam). I was not interested in the way the religions were
practiced nowadays; I was more interested in the sources of the three
religions. I read some interesting articles that make the comparison
between the three religions. Through one of these articles, I learnt
more about my own religion that was officially Christianity at this
time. And I finally found that Islam gives more rights, more liberties
to women than Christianity or Judaism does. Islam gives to women some
rights that French women have acquired only during the last past fifty
years (I talk about French women because I’m French but this can be
probably extended to most of European women). For most of Europeans,
this can appear strange, incompatible with the image that Islam can
have. But from this moment, I did not care anymore about what the others
could think, I was attracted more and more about Islam, I could not
resist. I kept searching more and more about Islam because there were
some points that I did not understand, some points I found injust like
inheritance for instance. So I kept searching, and I found the
explanations by taking Islam in his whole. To understand Islam, you must
take it all, not only some parts or just parts you like, because Islam
is an entire system where I found everything logical. I searched
something that was not logical in Islam but I found nothing. In Islam,
everything has a logical explanation, not like Christianity where you
are asked to believe without asking too many questions. I never looked
at Muslims and their behavior, I always looked at the sources of Islam
through readings, alone without the influence of anybody. All these
researches have been done in a short space of time, only three weeks.
Islam was for me like a magnet and it became an obsession. I thought
about it all the day and the night. I felt that the only way for me to
remove this sensation was to enter in Islam. I spent some nights without
sleeping, thinking about Islam, about the consequences of a conversion.
I thought about all the difficulties I might encounter, especially in
the French society. But it did not matter for me anymore, the most
important was Islam and I finally decided to convert to Islam.
What islam changes in my life
When I converted to Islam, I was still in Canada for my studies. I
did not meet any difficulty in Canada because people don’t mind there
(as in US). The difficulties came when I went back to France. There, I
had to face my family, a non-Muslim environment with little tolerance
for Muslims and everything related to Arabs. Although I lived in Paris, I
did not have many Muslim friends. Without my hair covered, I faced many
difficulties in France because people could not imagine one moment that
I was Muslim. For instance, in France, when a man meets a woman he
knows, he does not shake her hands but he kisses her (on cheeks). So
when I had to say hello to a man, he felt insulted by my refusal to kiss
him, I seemed to him strange. This is a detail that hides much than it
can appear. I was not recognized as muslima by non-muslims, neither by
muslims. However, I did not meet many problems with my family because I
was already independent from them. They knew that they could not
influence me or put pressure on me. The only solution they had was to
respect my choice even if they did not agree, except for my grand mother
which is really open-minded and understood my choice. I know I have
been lucky for that (al hamdoullilah) because I recently met French
women that have many difficulties with their family.
What Islam changes in my life? The answer is simple: everything, from
the food to the clothes and my relations with the others. I pray my five
daily prayers, I fast during Ramadan, I give the Zakat. In 1998, I
decided to leave France for differents reasons. I didn’t feel
comfortable and free to practice my religion there. The French Law does
not prevent from practising Islam because France is a laic country but
french people does (through their behavior, their remarks, …). One time I
went to the mosquee with my hair covered as a muslima should do. In the
subway, a man changed of place twice in order to be sitten the farest
as possible from me. He did it showing me that I was disturbing him.
This marked me deeply. A muslima has to face many such reactions. How
people can be so intolerant in a country often called “country of Human
Rights” ? Where is the liberty ? To be “integrated”, you must look like
others. I feel sad about this because France is my country and I don’t
want to reny my origins. As I really want to practice Islam, it was
difficult, even impossible for me to work in France. I will never find a
job as engineer wearing visible signs of Islam (covered hair).
Now I’m living in Morocco where I’m working. I’m pleased to live
there because I feel free to practice my religion, I can work and wear
long clothes and cover my hair (dressing commonly called hijab). I love
hearing the prayer call five times per day. You can respect prayer
times. To be in a muslim country during Ramadan is unique.
In June 1999, I went to France for one week and I tried to visit my
family. The reaction of some members was radical. When my father learnt I
wear hijab (long and large clothes and covered hair), he rejected me
immediatly. He refused to meet me, he even called to insult me. Since
that time, I have never heard about him. My mother was distant with me.
As far as I do not show signs of Islam, they respect my choice … Today, I
keep good relations only with my brothers (youngest than me) and my
grand mother. I do not reject the other family members but I can not
force them to accept me as I am.
I’m not yet married but I’d like to. Previously, I write in this page
“soon incha Allah” about marriage. Things have change (everything
change
) because I have to face difficulties such as racism.
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The more that time goes on, the more I realize how much my prayers
have been answered, and to see how long ago that seed was planted for
Allah (SWT) to water, to see my spirit grow all these years towards
Islam. I believe that reverting to Islam was the best decision and best
correct decision I’ve ever made in my life here on this earth! Praise Be
To Allah!
